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Set before The Never-Ending Story, and its sequel The Never-ending Story2, NeS 1888 is part of the Pre-NeS history. Set in the year 1888, juxtaposed to the beginning of the NeS in 1999, is a short story that features many ancestors to the Characters of the main NeS series. Written primarily by Al Ciao the Writer, it tells the tale of the League of Heroes in their battle against the NeSferatu led by Count Desmond.

History

Introduction

NeS 1888 opened with an introduction to the short story featuring a nameless scholar in his study. His study is atop of a tree-twisted tower and through one of the larger window he was able to see swirls of potential and sometimes other worlds that would shape before him. However he was more interested in studying the NeS tarot cards to predict the expected beginning of the Never-ending Story, something predicted for the past three thousand years. He flipped each tarot card, which would namelessly reveal a Character from the League of Heroes and some of those that guided them. The Moderator (Erro Simon), The Guide (Mustang Aurelius Ford), The PowerPlayer (Highemperor), The Tovarish (T13TE), The Mageling (Matthias the Cold), The Innocent (Jim7), The Lost (TwistedSpasm), The Custodian (Roberto the Janitor), The Knight (Sir Lee Tan Chylde), The Monster (Galvenstein), The Beast (TheBadger), The Immortal (Ares). He summoned Bernard the First, the ancestral pidgeon to Bernard the Pidgeon, and asked that the bird seek out and watch the Character that would be The Moderator. After chiding the pidgeon for pooping on people, the scholar relented and allowed the bird to occasionally poop on The Moderator[MT Ref 1]. The scholar, though nameless in the post, is in fact Arkng Thand and the tower is Deitopos in the Dreamstate.

The date was then set as the 27th of November, 1883 in Castle Simon. Baron Simon and his wife, Lady Simon, were preparing their son, Erro Simon, for a trip to the opera to watch 'Scary Opera 4'; a joke on the name Scary Movie 4[Ext Ref 1]. They were trying to get young Erro, aged eight, to wear a bloint, which is basically a hat worn on pants and was a reference to NeS Page ?. RawHaggis, the butler of the castle, chided Erro for being so rude to his parents. Erro refused to put the bloint on his trousers and instead put it, as a hat, on his head. RawHaggis pondered that his own son may have been wise to abandon the art of being a butler to become a waiter after all - which would be why CookedHaggis, the descendent of RawHaggis, studied to be a waiter. Erro is spared from wearing he bloint when Bernard the First pooped on it from the rafters of the castle. The family then headed to the city, driven there by Phillip the UGO Carriage Driver, ancestor of Phil the UGO Guy.

When they're travelling in the carriage, Lady Simon and Baron Simon have a conversation about an incident that happened in the Congo where Vashuko, a demon, was unleashed from imprisonment. They attempted to keep their son from understanding the conversation, though to little avail, and she asked what happened. Baron Simon revealed that he and the twelve Blood-ink family members went there but were mysteriously saved. This is a reference to mention of the League on NeS2 Page ?. The Baron assured his son that he would understand everything when he was sixteen and a man. Erro seemed to be more interested in firing RawHaggis when he got to sixteen as vengeance for trying to make him wear the bloint. When they reached the opera, Baron Simon tipped the driver despite being late because they would get to miss the previews. Another reference to modern cinema. Following predictable narrative, based around the early events of Batman[Ext Ref 2], the family went into a dark alleyway that Lady Simon enthusiastically described as "obviously dangerous alleyway" and "perfect for a mugging". They were then attacked by NeSferatu. Baron Simon unleashed his quill and used Story-Wielding power to vanquish each NeSferatu until his ink ran dry and one NeSferatu still remained. The NeSferatu stabbed Baron Simon and then decapitated Lady Simon. He was about to kill Erro too but was interrupted by a mysterious man (later revealed as Mustang Aurelius Ford) who arrived to try and save the Simon family. He was too late and only saved Erro by setting the remaining NeSferatu ablaze. Erro spoke with his dying father about the Storywriters but what he wanted to say went unsaid as he died. Erro vowed to bring justice to the streets of London[MT Ref 2].

1870 - 1871

31st of February 1870, a dark and mysterious castle at an undisclosed location in Europe, was the home of Dr Fleidermouse and his creation Galvenstein - the ancestors of Dr Dormouse and, in a fashion, Galvatron. Dr Fleidermouse exclaimed, "It's alive! Alive!", in reference to the 1931 movie Frankenstein[Ext Ref 3]. Galvenstein complained that Dr Fleidermouse did this every single morning, however, and questioned why he would ever remain in the service of the doctor. Dr Fleidermouse reminded Galvenstein that he looked hideous and people would often try to attack him when he visited their homes and Dr Fleidermouse was the only man to accept him. Galvenstein was made up of skin crafts and metal - the world's first cyborg. Dr Fieldmous then had a conversation with William, which appeared to be a one-sided conversation with an imaginary friend. This is because Dr Dormouse had an imaginary friend named Billy, who may or may not be the same imaginary friend as Billy is short for William. Then, suddenly, a DeLorean[Ext Ref 4] time machine appeared in a flash within the laboratory. From the time machine stepped TwistedSpasm, a member of the Super Secret Time Travel Agency (S.S.T.T.A., which would later be revealed as part of the Time Enforcement Agency, or T.E.A.). TwistedSpasm was a Character from the main NeS2 narrative prior to his appearance in NeS 1888. TwistedSpasm confirmed with Galvenstein that he was in the correct time period, as he had somehow wound up in 1898 on his previous attempt. He then went on to speak with Dr Fleidermouse about his dream the previous night, knowing that the doctor had dreamt up the flux capacitor[Ext Ref 5] and TwistedSpasm asserted that it was a vital invention that began the formation of the S.S.T.T.A.. According to Dr Fleidermouse's diary, found in the future, he would strike his head on a toilet bowl and forget the design so TwistSpasm had to rush the doctor to get the plans down on paper. Dr Fleidermouse cheered and ranted about the Mad Scientist Academy not believing in him. Unfortunately he then struck his head on a randomly placed toilet bowl and the DeLorean vanished into a Plot-Hole[MT Ref 3].

9th of September in 1871, Erro Simon had grown up to be a young man and was living in the Siberian wastes with his teacher. There were three tents, two had been there for thirteen years but the third tent had arrived just two years ago. Erro whose tent had been there for two years, awoke one particular morning for training. He wielded two blades and practised his sword-fighting. His training was interrupted by his Nicolai, a blonde Russian man. Nicolai revealed that he had beaten Erro to their training spot yet again and Erro asked how, listing that he had superhuman speed, making him faster than Nicolai, plus he woke up earlier. Nicolai said that speed means nothing if he doesn't employ his mind. Nicolai anticipated Erro's strategy and went to the spot during the night. Erro then claimed he could beat his his fellow student in a fight, specifying his swordsmanship. Nicolai drew a gun and asked if Erro was fast enough. Erro again conceded the point. When Erro asked what kind of ninja used a gun, Nicolai proclaimed that the ninjas he trained used them because they used whatever was necessary. It was then that their teacher arrived, The Twelfth True Evil. He insisted that they could call him, on this day, T12TE instead of master. When Erro questioned this title, T12TE explained that he was only T12TE and that his former name had been replaced by this identity. The title of True Evil was passed down through the line of elite ninjas. T12TE informed Erro that he had arrived in Russia thirteen years prior to seek a student worthy of the title. He found Nicolai to be the leader of a gang in Moscow at just nine years old, leading teenagers much older than him. T12TLE took Nicolai into training in Siberia. He then went onto explain Erro's story. Erro, uniquely, had sought out T12TE for training. How Erro knew of T12TE at all was baffling to the old master. And, unlike any other, Erro had been able to learn at an incredible rate. However today the training was over and they would discover which of them would become the thirteenth True Evil. The had to fight.

Instantly Nicolai drew his gun, ready to fire, but Erro blocked the barrel with a shuriken. Erro drew his two blades, a katana[Ext Ref 6] and a foil[Ext Ref 7], while Nicolai drew his overly large katana. These sword terms are likely incorrect (see Notes). They battle with their swords but Nicolai utilised alternate methods of attack, including nipple-twisting. Nicolai won the battle because of Erro's hesitation - not wanting to hurt his friend with his swords. Nicolai said that Erro relied too much on his speed and didn't think enough in battle. Nicolai knew Erro wouldn't want to maim him and used that to win. They shook hands as friends and Erro congratulated the victor. T12TE warned Erro to heed Nicolai's advice. Nicolai expected that he was now the thirteen True Evil but his master refuted that claim. He insisted that Nicolai would have to kill his master to become T13TE in a fight to the death. Erro didn't think Nicolai would do it, but his friend ordered Erro to leave and return to his country as he had learnt all he needed from T12TE. Erro departed with tears in his eyes as he heard his friend and master battle. When he reached the campsite, intending to gather his things, he found he was not alone. Mustang Aurelius Ford, who had saved him the night his parents died, was warming himself by the fire. He informed Erro that he was the current Hand of the Plot. Erro asked Mustang if he was the Main Character of the Story but Mustang revealed that it was Erro who was the Main Character. However he then admitted he wasn't sure, expecting Erro to be the Main Character of the true Never-ending Story. However there needed to be a series of Characters for the NeS to begin. When asked why Mustang said that the NeS was the most important thing in entire cosmos. He explained that the NeS was meant to be never-ending so if it did end, or never came into existence, it would causes a paradox. The second, metaphysical, explanation was linked to the Writers. Writers place importance on their own works and thus it was the most important thing in the cosmos because it was the most important thing to the Writers themselves. Mustang further explained Erro's lineage within the Illuminoqhi. The Illuminohqi were an organisation of twelve individuals of twelve different families that were instilled with blood ink. The Simon family was one such family. The Illuminohqi was created by the Ancient One, sometimes called "Ancient Writer The Writer". Though not explained here, blooink is within all Characters of the NeSiverse but only certain individuals were able to naturally tap into the bloodink to Story-Wield. This included Erro's father and now Erro himself. However all of the Illuminohi members were killed, making Erro the only carrier of bloodink remaining. Mustang revealed that the man that had his parents killed was Count Desmond, a NeSferatu. The NeSferatu killed the Illuminohqi in the hopes of jump-staring the beginning of the NeS, which Mustang admitted may have worked as Erro appeared to be Main Character material. Erro wanted to know where Desmond was, but Mustang said he would need allies first. Mustang said Erro needed to go to the Arena where he would find his champions. Erro didn't want to argue with destiny and agreed to meet Mustang there. He wore his old furs and began his trek across Siberia when he realised that day was his sixteenth birthday[MT Ref 4].

27th November, 1871, Erro found himself at Ares' Colosseum, otherwise known as the "Arena". He got in line to enter but the ticket-collector, Martha, wouldn't allow him entry without a ticket. She directed him to the very long line to buy a ticket. When he insisted that he wanted to participate as a fighter, she directed him instead to a much shorter line. Erro was described as wearing well-cut brown trousers and a blue shirt with a frilled cravat. Though he protested with his butler, RawHaggis, over the frills the old man had given Erro a choice between cravat our bloint. He also styled his hair in a fashion that reportedly wouldn't exist until Star Wars: A New Hope[Ext Ref 8] would be released, making this yet another anachronism. At the end of the entry line he met, again, Martha. He was stunned to see her yet again. Martha is a reference to another NeS Character by the name of Red, and may, or may not, be her ancestor. Martha then informed Erro that the combat to take place was exclusively for bad writers and so he went to a local inn and proceeded to write up his own bad work of fiction. There is then a reference, by the Narrator, that the magic quill would make everything Erro wrote down a reality in another world - reflecting the world of NeS 1888 being written by a Writer. When the Narrator dubbed Martha the second Martha, she corrected him and informed him she was, in fact, the eighty-seventh Martha. Erro handed over the document and named it 'Keeping Ahead of Your Enemies”: An Unfinished Novel by Erro Simon II'. He explained that the story was about a young Writer named 'Scott Gajewksi', who is in fact Gebohq the Writer, and his battle against thread-killers, Writer's Block and laziness. She then asked him to fill in a series of forms, including GTA4 (a reference to the video game Grand Theft Auto 4[Ext Ref 9]), 1337 (a reference to the term 1337[Ext Ref 10] and possibly to The 1337 of the NeSiverse) and form 42[Ext Ref 11] (a tribute to Douglas Adams[Ext Ref 12]' novel The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy[Ext Ref 13]. She suggested that Erro ignore the sections of the form referring to Ares owning his soul when signing it and he did so. Erro entered and took a moment to read the rules before Martha called back and announced that he was next to fight.

When the Narrator started to describe the current fighters, before Erro's match, he made a slight against Gebohq the Writer's mathematics skills. Losien the Writer apologised for being a straight-A student which lowered her brother's confidence in school. TLTE the Writer reassured her that it wasn't her fault before the Narrator ordered the other Writers to stop invading the thread. The combatant who was similarly aged to Erro was clearly one of the ancient order of Janitors. A Random Audience Member complained that there were too many ancient orders already within NeS 1888 (The Illuminohqi, the True Evils and now Janitors). This Character was announced as Roberto the Janitor. His opponent would turn out to be Galvenstein. In the audience was Dr Fleidermouse and TwistedSpasm. TwistedSpasm assured the doctor that Galvenstein could win, even against Roberto the Janitor. He needed Galvenstein to win as part of deal with Ares so that the God of War would reach through time and bring them designs for a flux capacitor. From his imaginary friend William, Dr Fleidermouse suggested that TwistSpasm take the place of Galvenstein but the Time Cop wasn't interested. Galvenstein sang "I'm a Little Teapot[Ext Ref 14]" song, reminiscent of Galvatron on NeS Page 1, though he replaced "teapot" with "monster", reflecting his image. The two fighters then proceeded to banter about which of them was strongest. Roberto challenged Galvenstein to a challenge of wits rather than brawn. Galvenstein assured him that his chips were uber-intelligent. Roberto brushed aside the fact that chips hadn't been invented yet and went with an extended and convoluted version of "who's more the fool" line from the Star Wars movie. This caused Galvenstein's chipset to frazzle. Fleidermouse hurried down to rescue the parts of Galvenstein that had fallen off when he was joined by a stranger that offered to help. He called himself Samuel Evil, a probable ancestor to Dr Evil and his children. Dr Fleidermous made the mistake of calling him Semi-evil, referencing the Semi-evil from the NeS timeline. Samuel Evil helped duct tape Galvenstein together again. Erro was then shoved forward for it was his turn to battle.

His opponent was to be Prince Emp, the prior guise of Highemperor. He wore his silver circlet to indicate his station and had a bow in his hand. When Erro wondered where his mentor was, a brief glimpse outside showed that Mustang was standing in line to get inside. Prince Emp shook hands honourably with Erro, as one noble to another, and promised no honour would be lost by the loser of the battle. Prince Emp wondered at Erro's life and compared it with his own - a life filled with family and love and women. He decided he would not want to trade his life with Erro's tragic one. Before the battle could commence, the announcer declared that this was to be a wild card match. The winner of the match would have to continue battling in a streak of Arena champions. Erro marked that as a sign of destiny. The announcer imitated the Mortal Kombat[Ext Ref 15] announcer with the proclamation of "Fight!" and the battle was underway. Erro used his Geb-time to catch two fired arrows from Prince Emp. Before the prince could fire a third he ran up to the other young man and held his foil to the Prince's neck. Prince Emp unsheathed a long-dagger and sliced at Erro, cutting his cravat. He apologised for ruining such a good shirt and Erro asked him not to worry as he didn't like frills anyway. During combat Prince Emp clicked a button on his dagger to extend a second blade from the other end. A sword-breaker[Ext Ref 16], which was used to literally break Erro's own sword. Once again in Geb-time, Erro beat Prince Emp several times and once again held his foil to the prince's neck. This time, Prince Emp yielded to Erro. After the match Prince Emp got seven marriage proposals while Erro got two, which the Narrator put down to his haircut. In the audience is Catherine Nolastname, apparently a relative to the McLongname family and, therefore, possibly Michael McFarlane who's name was often taken to be McLongname. She pulled cheese and crackers from her purse to eat, both of which the Narrator questioned their existence in this time frame. However, of course both cheese and purses existed during the 1800s, while crackers also were invented during the 1700s. Her affection for Erro is evident from the narration. Prince Emp gave Erro his long-dagger in place of the katana he had broken.

Erro then had to face the first of the champions - The Badger, ancestor of The Otter. The Badger wore a long, black coat and held a Huskarl sword[Ext Ref 17], a reference to the sword used by The Otter. He also had a bottle of vodka in hand and was a drunk, much like his descendent. Badger then found a half-drunk bottle of wine and proceeded to abandon the match and take up the bottle. The announcer, who then sounded like Ben Stein[Ext Ref 18], repeated "Badger, Badger, Badger" in probable reference to the Weebl[Ext Ref 19] Badgers cartoon[Ext Ref 20], until Erro said that Badger 'wasn't here' and the announcer moved onto the next champion, Roberto himself. However after a minute of waiting the Readers are shown that Badger had found himself in Roberto's room and was both stealing his wine and making a mess. The two start to battle, while in the Arena the announcer repeated the name "Bueller... Bueller... Bueller...", this time in reference to Ferris Bueller's Day Off[Ext Ref 21]. Before the final champion could be brought out to face Erro, a new challenger appeared from the portcullis. It was none other than The Thirteenth True Evil, Erro's old friend Nicolai. As the battle began, Erro spied Catherine Nolastname in the audience and was struck by her beauty until she shouted for him to watch out and was forced back into his fight with his friend. Erro then tricked T13LE into saying the name of Erro's homeland, England, causing an anvil to land upon his head - a recurring gag throughout NeS 1888 that occurred when England was named. Erro stated that T13LE had always scorned Erro for not using his head in battle, thereby justifying his trickery. Erro then went through a 'love at first sight' moment with Catherine.

When the scene switched to Ares' throne room, a R.A.M. asked about the spelling of the name Ares asking if it should be Aries[Ext Ref 22]. The Narrator, angry, explained they were two different beings and was sick of being asked that question. TwistedSpasm approached Ares with a counter-offer to his earlier arrangement, having lost the deal when Galvenstein fell to Roberto. When TwistedSpasm used Latin, quid pro quo[Ext Ref 23], to enhance his sentiments, Ares told him to stop because he was Greek not Roman. When TwistSpasm added au contraire[Ext Ref 24] to his wording, Ares again scolded him for the Latin but TwistSpasm had to point out that it was French. TwistedSpasm showed Ares a car magazine with a picture of a Dodge Viper[Ext Ref 25] on it. Ares agreed to the new deal, the dodge viper for a flux capacitor, thus beginning Ares' obsession with the vehicle in question. TwistedSpasm then used to the word kouros[Ext Ref 26] in his thanks to Ares which the God argued against him using foreign words but TwistedSpasm asserted that the word was actually Greek.

Back in the Arena, Erro was set to face the final champion - Sir Tan Lee Chylde. He was described as wearing a suit of armour, having long red hair and wielding both a broadsword[Ext Ref 27] and a brightly coloured shield. This is the ancestor to MaybeChild and the coloured shield was a reference to her brightly coloured hippy clothes. Sir Chylde stopped the battle from commencing and demanded to know why Erro would fight. Chylde himself fought for chivalry. Erro openly stated that he fought for justice and to establish a League of Heroes. Sir Chylde drew his sword and, instead of fighting, planted it into the ground. He knelt before Erro and swore fealty to him as his lord and to his lord's noble cause. The audience erupted in applause and confetti for Erro's apparent victory, only to have Bernard the First poop on his head. In the audience, Mustang's apprentice, Matthias the Cold, is unhappy with Erro's style of victory and shot a fireball at the two men in the middle of the Arena. Matthias is ancestor to Cool Matty. He descended himself to challenge them. He was just a boy of twelve but excelled in raw magic. He wore white robes and held a staff. After Erro called Matthias a kid, Matthias attacked. Erro tried to use the sword-breaker on the staff but to no avail. Erro grabbed Matthias by the scruff of the neck and held him up. Sir Chylde offer to discipline the boy and Matthias chided Erro for hiding behind his lackeys. Mustang affirmed that Erro's great power was his ability to lead others. Mustang then pledged his fealty to Erro's cause before the audience. Ares and TwistedSpasm watched from above and when Ares wished he had more space for audience members, TwistedSpasm mentioned pay-per-view and began haggling for a deal. Roberto and The Badger crashed out of one of the towers and landed in the middle of the Arena, accidentally volunteering to join the League[MT Ref 5].

The League

Three quarters of the year later the League of Heroes comprised of Erro, The Badger, Sir Chylde, Mustang, Matthias, Roberto, T13TE and Catherine Nolastname. A Random Audience Member asked what it was Catherine was actually able to do. The RAM and the Narrator make a childish joke about flashing, aided by The Badger, before Galvenstein approached the group. Teary-eyed, Galvenstein longed to join the team. When Catherine accepted the cyborg on Erro's behalf, both Dr Fleidermouse and Dr Sammy Evil wanted to join too. The team weren't sure about hiring two doctors, but Fleidermous explained that he was a doctor of science, while Dr Sammy Evil was a medical doctor. Dr Sammy Evil corrected his fellow doctor and said he was a scientist doctor also but was quick to add that he could heal wounds with his duct tape all the same. TwistedSpam, wanting Dr Fleidermouse to create a flux capacitor, was resigned into also tagging along with the group. The original team had spent months building up their reputation in fights in the Arena but now was the time to strike out. Erro noted that Prince Emp was about to leave the Arena and head back for Armenia. He offered the prince to join him and his team but the prince declined as he had to return to Armenia to be crowned King one day. He suggested that Erro visit him in Armenia, where he assured him that all the women were as well-endowed as Catherine was. Erro returned to the team and voiced his upset that Prince Emp hadn't joined them. T13TE warned Erro that he was best to let the man leave because he was a Powerplayer. Erro reminded T13TE that Prince Emp had actually lost to Erro in their fight but Mustang said that Prince Emp hadn't yet reached that level of Powerplaying and for now he was devastatingly good-looking, a man all the women loved, perfect at riding and archery - all of which ammouted to a Powerplayer at heart. Erro confessed that he still wanted him to come with them and Mustang said that was the Moderator within Erro - always seeing the best in people. Ready to leave, Erro said their base of operations would be Castle Simon and Mustang prepared to take them there but Ares suddenly burst through a portal before them. The God of War didn't want them to leave because they had increased his ratings so he challenged Erro to a match in the Arena - if he won, they could leave. Erro agreed. However when the match began, Erro announced that he was hungry and began to eat pastries. This caused Ares to grow so hungry that he flew away and thus forfeit the match. This was harkening back to the very beginning joke led by Gebohq Simon when he versed Ares on NeS Page 1. Ares then decided to forget that ever happened, negating it from the story. This, again, hearkened back to early actions done by Ares the Writer when something didn't go according to his wish. (citation needed) With time reset Ares knocked out Erro with a single fireball. The League were then bound by duct tape and Erro, for breaking the first rule of the Arena (Ares always wins), was to be sent to the Tower of London and imprisoned by Sword Wader, an 1888 take on the character Dart Wader. The audience members then proceeded to argue over who won and betting wins[MT Ref 6].

Jumping to 1873 we are introduced to Armenia and the Ancient Armenians dwell in the wilds, far from the modern Armenians. The Ancient Armenians were dwindling and their ways archaic, but they remained wealthy and that maintained their presence in Armenia. Their rulers were the Emperor line and Prince Emp was the next in line to the throne. At present he was in his bed chamber with Harem Girl #87. He used his Powerplaying so that sex with him was always fantastic. This Powerplaying meant he had also bedded almost every young woman in Armenia but Harem Girl #87 was one of the few that truly loved him. However she suddenly thrust a knife into his side. Prince Emp reacted instinctively and threw an arrow into her chest. When he asked her why she had tried to kill him she confessed that a Western Count named Desmond had threatened her and the life of her unborn son - the son of Prince Emp. Two other harem girls burst in and announced that Prince Emp's father had been assassinated. Prince Emp, rather than tell the truth, said Harm Girl #87 had taken an arrow meant for him. He declared that he was now king and would need allies to find this Count Desmond[MT Ref 7].

Later that year Erro Simon II was imprisoned in the Tower of London by the Japanese samurai Sword Wader. Sword Wader spoke with a lisp and was, like Dart Wader, a parody of Darth Vader[Ext Ref 28] from the Star Wars[Ext Ref 29] franchise. He interrogated and tortured Erro about a 'webel base', meaning rebel base[Ext Ref 30] from Star Wars, when a fellow prisoner informed Sword Wader that he was the rebel captive, not Erro. Sword Wader apologised to Erro and went off to torture and interrogate the other prisoner instead.The stone wall of Erro's cell was then broken open and Prince Emp, now King Emp, burst in to save Erro. They were confronted by Sword Wader and two English soliders, likely red coats[Ext Ref 31] considering the time period. The soldiers brought their muskets[Ext Ref 32] to bear, though they are more likely to be rifled muskets[Ext Ref 33] (often called muskets, but they are in fact rifles[Ext Ref 34]) considering the time period. King Emp, however, notched and fired three arrows. Two arrows went up the musket barrel. The third sliced open Sword Wader's lip, allegedly giving him a lisp despite him already having a lisp. When the two heroes got outside King Emp had two horses waiting for them - Prancer and Comet. Erro decided not to mention that those were the names for Father Christmas[Ext Ref 35]' reindeer[Ext Ref 36]. Erro rode Prance while King Emp rode Comet. King Emp told Erro of his father's death while Erro told King Emp that the rest of the League were held captive by Ares. King Emp agreed to join the League as their goals were now aligned and Erro had a plan to rescue their allies.

Back in Ares' Colosseum Ares himself was being entertained by dancing girls. When he grew bored, he would press a button and open a trapdoor beneath a random girl. The League heroes were detained with duct tape in the Fighters' Galllery. When Erro appeared and called his name, Ares was taken by surprise and made a series of answers to random questions he may have been asked, including 42, the American Revolution[Ext Ref 37] and Calvin Coolidge[Ext Ref 38]. He then realised he'd sent Erro off to a prison somewhere, needing to b prompted that it was the Tower of London by Erro himself. Erro proposed a wager - he would return to the Tower if he lost but his friend would go free if he won. As Ares was a divine being he believed there was no fashion in existence that he'd look bad in and so Erro gambled on that. He took out a bloint which Ares mistook for a hat but Erro declared it was to be worn on Ares' pants. Ares refused to be so humiliated and allowed the League to go free. Then the skylight, which a R.A.M. pointed out shouldn't exist, was smashed and the League heroes burst in, having escaped by themselves. They intended to save Erro but found he was already free. Ares ordered them all to leave. They do but instead of taking on the evils of the world they go to the tavern for free ale[MT Ref 8].

Sammy Evil was then credited with inventing the B.U.M.P.. Mustang said that the invention would be useful in the future to help the NeS should it falter. Sammy Evil said he would need capital to get the project off the ground. Later TwistedSpasm wondered where the money he'd made from Ares had gotten to, evidently used by Mustang and Sammy Evil for the B.U.M.P. project[MT Ref 9].

13th of March, 1876 - the League have gathered around an oak table in the library. They were waiting for their leader, Erro, to arrive. Catherine, musing to herself, said that Erro was too shy and she wondered when he'd start to court her. The Badger, overhearing, whispered something lewd that he could do for her instead. At her scandalised gasp her father, Sir Chylde, smacked The Badger across the back of his head. Matthias and his mentor, Mustang, were arguing about Matthias' attitude and not preparing himself properly. His power was immense but he lacked the patience needed to control it. Mustang revealed that even he required his talisman, the Cheshire Zippo Lighter, to conjure the amount of fire power that Matthias could wield naturally. Matthias, however, disregarded his mentor. RawHaggis, Erro's old butler, was pleased to have Roberto present as only Roberto appreciated RawHaggis' sense of cleanliness. Then it was that Erro entered and began with a most pressing matter - what to eat for dinner. Ultimately he went with Catherine's suggestion for cheese and crackers - again. Once done, Erro got to the topic of Count Desmond. They had spent much time and effort trying to track him down but to no avail. Galvenstein questioned whether they should be spending their time defeating other villains instead. Mustang assured Galvenstein that Desmond was far more dangerous than any other villain abroad. Before the argument could progress, Erro announced that he'd found the count. Erro said that the body of a famous writer, drained of blood, had showed up in Zurich and that led him to believe that NeSferatu were there. According to Dr Fleidermous, William had been telling him that Count Desmond was in Zurich for a long time, which Sammy Evil then confirmed he had indeed. When Erro volunteered Mustang to be team leader he refused because he said he has no Story-Wielding powers. He stated that he'd been researching mystical texts and may have found an alternate source of aid. In his place he would send Matthias, who was happy to go. It was decided that Erro Simon, Catherine Nolastname, Sir Tan Lee Chylde, King Emp, The Badger, Roberto the Janitor and Matthias the Cold would head to Zurich whilst the rest remained at Castle Simon.

Elsewhere Satan was expressing his innermost troubles to Sigmund Freud[Ext Ref 39], who may have been acting pre-emptively in his research considering the time, and spoke of his father Helebon. He revealed that the WriterGod made Helebon the first ruler of Hell and that he was a model archangel, taking his duties seriously. Sigmind Freud was doodling on a notebook, as all therapists are renowned to do. He said he was happy then, with his best friend Farr at his side. However Helebon asked to be returned to Heaven but the WriterGod refused. Helebon rebelled against the WriterGod but was put down and imprisoned in the Tenth Circle of Hell. Because of this Satan was made ruler of Hell instead, while his brother DarkSide went off to be a lawyer and sometimes general of the army - pushed into it by their mother. Satan was feeling unappreciated by his minions and wanted help from Freud. However it has since been shown at this point Satan was working as a Supervisor at the time, rather than ruler of Hell (Citation needed). Freud deduced that he must have an Oedipus Complex[Ext Ref 40]. Freud then remarked that the cigar he mentioned was obviously a phallus but Satan hadn't mentioned a phallus and Freud cut their meeting short (this is because Freud was known to smoke cigars). Satan paid for the time and left. Before he went back to Hell he visited New York City to attend a Villains Anonymous meeting where he spoke with Cthullu. Back at Castle Simon, Mustang was drawing a gigantic pentagram from pixie dust which was apparently from the NeS Fairy. He began chanting in an unspeakable language of summoning. Again back in New York a man named Angelo Sevenicci was running from him enemies. His story revealed that he was the master of clowns and had fallen in love with a woman who was master of mimes. This unholy love gave birth to an unnatural child named James Sevenicci. The love between them dissolved due to old prejudices between the two rival gangs. Speaking to himself, Angelo said he'd sell his soul to the devil to escape his predicament. Then Satan appeared from his meeting and was recognised because of the "Hello my name is: Satan" badge. Angelo asked if Satan still performed Faustian[Ext Ref 41] deals. He wanted a long and healthy life to be wealthy, surrounded by beautiful women, to be a Godfather of the New York mafia and to be the greatest crimelord ever. Instead of his own soul, however, he offered that of his infant son's. When Angelo said that his son was an unnatural union between clown and mime, Satan agreed to take his son. Angelo, who had been carrying his son, handed the boy over. When Satan and James were gone, a man ran over to Angelo and thrust a bag into his arms. The man gave himself over to the police who had been chasing him and said they couldn't convict him because they had no evidence. Evidence that Angelo now had. A bag filled with diamond and money.

Satan took James to Canada, the Ninth Circle of Hell, and into the Great Granite Fortress[MT Ref 10]. Time is considered to be "weird in Hell", which explained how he was able to enter Canada as Hell even though it didn't become Hell until a century later on Earth time[MT Ref 11]. Satan needed a pure soul to perform his dark deed, but he couldn't touch a genuine pure soul. James Sevenicci, however, was a unholy union and thus he could use the boy. In Castle Simon, Mustang summoned the ruler of Hell. Instead he found a full-grown man named Jim7. Jim7 revealed that he was the merger of Satan and James Sevenicci - their beings bound into one. Mustang, unperturbed, revealed that he was the current Hand of the Plot and he wished Jim7 to become a Protector of the Plotfractal. When Jim asked why him, Mustang said it was because he was very powerful and he could ask the Four Horsemen to help him. Jim7 derided the four of them but admitted he could seek help from the likes of Cthulhu and Ares. In return for this service, Mustang offered his own soul. But Jim7 only laughed at this. He said soul inflation was on the rise, there were so many a single soul was worthless. Mustang was surprised because he had offered to take Angelo's soul earlier in NeS 1888's script, which he showed Jim7. Jim7, caught in his own ruse, agreed to the terms but told Mustang not to spread the rumour. But he wanted something more. He wanted Mustang's lucky rabbit's foot. When Mustang initially refused, it being a childhood heirloom, Jim7 offered to give him some éclairs[Ext Ref 42] too. Mustang agreed[MT Ref 10].

March, 1876, just before the League of Heroes could proceed into Zurich, the censors of the Catholic Church take umbrage with the somewhat more positive, and misunderstood, portrayal of Satan in the previous post. The censor demanded that the previous post be edited else they would pull a "Fahrenheit 451"[Ext Ref 43] on the Story, meaning they would burn it as they burn books in Fahrenheit 451. When one of the censors swore the other censors had to hand him rosaries for the sin. The Narrator said that he didn't need to listen to them as he was actually a protestant. At which point the censors decided to flee, though the censor with the rosaries wanted to sign up because there are no rosaries in protestantism - only to then be dragged off by the other Catholic censors.

The heroes on the mission to Zurich were riding some of King Emp's white Armenian horses but The Badger was complaining about a pimple on his butt. He engaged in a story of how he went to Armenia with King Emp, bedded many women, and hunted down a ferocious beast. King Emp, however, had a slightly different tale where Badger stowed away on King Emp's carriage, bedded no women, except a warty old woman, and faced off against a dire badger. While Badger was mooning several ladies-in-waiting, the badger bit Badger's behind. Erro pointed out the irony that a man named Badger would be bitten by an actual badger. When asked about his name, Badger said his father named him after the constellation in the stars but Sir Chlyde said that was the great bear, not a badger. Badger added that his father was drunk that night, and most nights thereafter. They believe they found their hotel, a quaint and pleasant cottage but King Emp was dubious that this pleasant scene was The Killer Hotel of Ominiousness. Erro realised the mistake, this was 6665 North Maplewood, not 6666. When they pass to the next they found a creepy, old castle atop of a cliff with obligatory lightning. Such a place could only be called The Forbidden Fortress of Forbiddenness, but as that was the already used title of a castle in NeS proper (citation needed), it was instead named The Killer Hotel of Ominiousness. Erro clarified that they were staying in this hotel because of its proximity to the area that the writer's body was found. After the crossed a creaky, old bridge they were in the courtyard which doubled up as a lobby and the drawbridge closed behind them. The Narrator thought it would be a good time to parody Scooby-Doo[Ext Ref 44] but decided it would be too difficult to parody something that didn't exist yet. When an attendant tried to take the horses to the stable, King Emp informed him he'd need to refer to them by their names first; Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen. Erro thought there was something familiar about those names, thinking of Santa Claus's reindeer[Ext Ref 45], but nobody else understood his point. Due to King Emp's mild power-playing powers, he is incredibly rich and used that money to rent everyone luxury suites at the hotel to which they all retired. Badger asked Catherine if she'd like to join him in his room but she said she'd rather be with a wookie[Ext Ref 46]. When asked what that was, she didn't know. When the clock struck midnight our heroes were dreaming. Catherine dreamt of cheese and crackers while Badger dreamt of the badger that bit him. King Emp dreamt of Harem Girl #87 and, in his sleep, muttered her name aloud. He was then awoken by Count Desmond, who was in the room, and patronised for dreaming of the dead woman.

Notes/Inconsistencies

The sword terms used in NeS 1888 for Erro and Nicolai are likely incorrect in their usage. The foil that Erro used with his katana was likely a wakizashi[Ext Ref 47], a shorter blade sometimes used along with a katana. As all katana are meant to be of a similar length, it is highly improbable that Nicolai would have an extra large katana. More likely his weapon was a nodachi[Ext Ref 48], a longer sword that pre-dates the katana. Prince Emp is said to wield a long-dagger, without further clarification. It could be a baselard[Ext Ref 49], a particularly long dagger but it isn't made clear. When refering to the Huskarl sword, it is tricky to figure out which sword this was meant to be as the only huskarl swords to be found are replicas of Viking swords categorised and named by their hilt shapes - this being the huskarl[Ext Ref 17] hilt. The reference to the huskarl sword came originally from the NeS and its Writer is unavailable for clarification.

At one point "English soldiers" join Sword Wader, however there really is no such thing as an "English army" during this period, only the British Army[Ext Ref 50].

Satan merging with James Sevenicci caused a few plot-holes in later Pages because a list would appear where Jim7 was the 7th ruler of Hell rather than the 3rd (which he would be if he had merged with Satan there and then). It also posed a problem with Satan appearing several times, while Jim7 has also been present. It was been explained away that time is weird and both can appear at the same time. It was also rectonned that Satan was working as a Supervisor rather than the ruler of Hell at the time of the merging, allowing the number sequence to continue without fail - the third ruler being The Negotiator.

References

External References

  1. Wikipedia, Scary Movie 4 article.
  2. Wikipedia, Batman article.
  3. Wikipedia, Frankenstein (1931 film) article.
  4. Wikipedia, DeLorean time machine article.
  5. Wikipedia, DeLorean time machine article, flux capacitor section.
  6. Wikipedia, Katana article.
  7. Wikipedia, Foil (fencing) article.
  8. Wikipedia, Star Wars (film) article.
  9. Wikipedia, Grand Theft Auto IV article.
  10. Wikipedia, Leet article.
  11. Wikipedia, Phrases from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy article, Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything (42) section.
  12. Wikipedia, Douglas Adams article.
  13. Wikipedia, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy article.
  14. Wikipedia, I'm a Little Teapot article.
  15. Wikipedia, Mortal Kombat article.
  16. Wikipedia, Parrying dagger article, Sword-breaker section.
  17. 17.0 17.1 Albion Swords, Huskarl sword article.
  18. Wikipedia, Ben Stein article.
  19. Wikipedia, Jonti Picking article.
  20. Wikipedia, Badgers (animation) article.
  21. Wikipedia, Ferris Bueller's Day Off article.
  22. Wikipedia, Aries (astrology) article.
  23. Wikipedia, Quid pro quo article.
  24. Wiktionary, Au Contraire article.
  25. Wikipedia, Dodge Viper article.
  26. Wiktionary, Kouros article.
  27. Wikipedia, Broadsword article.
  28. Wikipedia, Darth Vader article.
  29. Wikipedia, Star Wars article.
  30. Wookieepedia, Rebel Base article.
  31. Wikipedia, Red Coat (British Army) article.
  32. Wikipedia, Musket article.
  33. Wikipedia, Rifled musket article.
  34. Wikipedia, Rifle article.
  35. Wikipedia, Father Christmas article.
  36. Wikipedia, Santa Claus's reindeer article.
  37. Wikipedia, American Revolution article.
  38. Wikipedia, Calvin Coolidge article.
  39. Wikipedia, Sigmund Freud article.
  40. Wikipedia, Oedipus Complex article.
  41. Wikipedia, Faust article.
  42. Wikipedia, Éclair article.
  43. Wikipedia, Fahrenheit 451 article.
  44. Wikipedia, Scooby-Doo article.
  45. Wikipedia, Santa Claus's reindeer article.
  46. Wookieepedia, Wookie article.
  47. Wikipedia, Wakizashi article.
  48. Wikipedia, Ōdachi article.
  49. Wikipedia, Baselard article.
  50. Wikipedia, British Army article.

Massassi Temple References

  1. NeS 1888, Post #2 written by Al Ciao the Writer.
  2. NeS 1888, Post #4 written by Al Ciao the Writer.
  3. NeS 1888, Post #5 written by Al Ciao the Writer.
  4. NeS 1888, Post #6 written by Al Ciao the Writer.
  5. NeS 1888, NeS 1888 Post #7 written by Al Ciao the Writer.
  6. NeS 1888, NeS 1888 Post #8 written by Al Ciao the Writer.
  7. NeS 1888, NeS 1888 Post #9 written by Al Ciao the Writer.
  8. NeS 1888, NeS 1888 Post #9 written by Gebohq the Writer.
  9. NeS 1888, NeS 1888 Post #11 written by Gebohq the Writer.
  10. 10.0 10.1 NeS 1888, NeS 1888 Post #12 written by Gebohq the Writer.
  11. NeS Page #7, NeS Post #279 written by Krig the Writer.

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