Pan Post 25 is the first introduction to Space Camelot mini-arc wherein King Arthur gathers a meeting to announce his plan to head for the stars in a spaceship, he's named Camelot, that he and the old wizard Merlin discovered some time ago. In order to get the ship into the air he'd need his half-sister, Morganna le Fay, to sacrifice her magical island of Avalon. Guinevere arrives later to the meeting and encourages Morgan to join them on their journey to space, much to Morgan's surprise. Guinevere was worried that her son, Mordred, would rise up and try to claim Britain but if he's given his own land on another planet then he own son, Prince Llacheu, will inherit Britain unhindered. Prince Llacheu being young and has his first taste of freedom, gets very, very drunk.
Space Camelot: The Meeting
Tintagel Castle lies in Dummonia in Cornwall, south-west of England. It was the castle of his mother, Igraine, and the place of his birth. On the beach outside because his mother didn't want her husband know she was giving birth to another man's child. Oops!
Well, despite his infamous birth, Arthur is the son of Uther Pendragon and, thus, rightful ruler of all Britannia - won through might and heroism. All of England, Scotland, Wales and Ireland has been under Arthur's care for many years and they have become stable, rich lands of care-free people. Arthur, however, has become unsettled with such quietude.
He considered expanding his domain. Iceland, Norway, Denmark, Gaul, even Rome itself would be prize targets. But then, something else happened. The old wizard Merlin and Arthur, many years prior, had discovered a very unusual passage that led to the deep bowels of the Earth and down there they found an instrument. An instrument of Arthur's new ambition.
Arthur: "I gathered you all here to discuss something very important to me."
Sir Bedivere: "You just don't like calling your brother, Sire..."
Sir Kay: "Half-brother."
Arthur: "Alright, you can call me Arthur at this meeting! God damn it!"
The knights all facepalm at Arthur's blatant blasphemy.
The three knights present are Sir Kay, the half-brother of the king (born by Igraine to her first husband and not to Uther, the father of Arthur), Sir Bedivere, an intelligent man and Arthur's longest friend, and finally Sir Lancelot du Lac, Arthur's closest friend and confidant. But they aren't the only ones present. With them are two women.
Morgan: "Just tell us what you want, brother."
Merlin: "Please don't tell me you brought us here to discuss your cheese farm again..."
Morganna le Fay, also half-sister of Arthur (this time through his father), is a woman with a short-temper and a lot of magic to obliterate those she finds annoying. Merlin, on the other hand, is a woman who considers herself good and virtuous though. Unlike the knights in the room, the two women are of pagan origins and worship the land as opposed to the sky. They are also both former students of Merlin the Wizard that once aided Arthur gain his kingdom - now, however, he in entombed within Doughnutdelf beneath the hallowed grounds of Stonehenge and the two women are left without their mentor.
Arthur: "Not my cheese farm. This isn't quite as important as my cheese farm. This is about our destiny and future expansion of my kingdom!"
Everyone is silent for a moment.
Sir Kay: "The cheese farm is more important...?"
Arthur: "Everybody loves my cheeses."
Sir Kay: "Not sure how that makes it more important..."
Arthur wafts his hand dismissively, eager to get back to his illustrious scheme.
Morgan: "If this is about your kingdom, I don't see why I have to be here. It's not like I'd help you do anything..."
Merlin: "You certainly helped him do something before..."
Arthur groans while Morgan glares at her rival apprentice.
Morgan: "And!? Do you have a point to make!?"
Merlin: "Not really. Just pointing out the hypocrisy."
Sir Kay: "Just great. Five minutes and we're in the awkward territory of incest."
Arthur: "Do we have to--"
Morgan: "Nothing awkward about it! We were very young and curious! It happens!"
Sir Kay: "Right. Let me make note of just how awkward this meeting is going to get..."
Merlin: "It happens... again... and again... and again..."
Arthur: "Aaaaaall in the past. I'm married and respectable now!"
Morgan: "Are you saying I'm not respectable even to sleep with?"
Arthur: "That's not what I'm saying, my love--"
Sir Kay: "Ohhhh bad choice of pet name..."
Arthur groans again.
Arthur: "Please, can we talk about my awesome idea now!?"
Morgan: "I repeat, why do I have to be here?"
Arthur: "Because I need you."
Sir Kay: "There's yet another major awkward moment! I'm going to start a graph for this."
Sir Kay whips out a piece of graph paper and starts marking on awkward notches.
Arthur: "I didn't mean like that!"
Sir Kay: "Wow. Just wow."
Merlin: "There's no depths to which you won't sink, Morganna."
Morgan: "At least I don't cling to the skirt-tails of our mentor, Lady Merlin."
Merlin: "It's an honour to carry the name of my mentor! He's a supreme man of greatness!"
Morgan rolls her eyes.
Arthur: "Shut. Up! Everyone! For just, like, five God damn minutes!"
The knights all facepalm.
Arthur: "Right! So! Me and Merlin found something underground!"
Merlin: "We did?"
Arthur: "No, not you. The other Merlin."
Morgan: "The Merlin of import."
Merlin: "Hey! You--! I'm more important than you, Morganna! You're nothing but a-- a--"
Morgan gives one of her rare smirks, which appears very sly.
Morgan: "A what, Lady Merlin?"
Merlin: "A-A-A brother-shagger!!"
Merlin instantly clamps her hands to her own mouth, shocked and appalled at her own words. Morgan just laughs while Arthur, once again, groans with frustration.
Morgan: "You say it like I should be ashamed of myself. I'm not. My brother's hot--"
Sir Kay: "That one's going off the scale!"
Morgan: "And I'm not a prudish, frigid little bimbo like you."
Unable to come up with such a horrible insult to counter that Merlin stammers and looks like she's going to start bawling.
Arthur: "She doesn't mean it, Merlin."
Morgan: "I bloody do."
Sir Bedivere: "Perhaps, and I'm almost loathe to say this, we should let Arthur tell us his plan?"
Arthur: "YES! We found something! We found... a ship!"
Sir Bedivere: "Ship... underground? Sire, you do know ships sail on water and not through soil?"
Arthur: "Yes, yes. This is the ship. I call it-- Camelot!"
Arthur pulls out a model of a ship.
Sir Bedivere: "Camelot?"
Sir Lancelot: "Camelot!"
They look at the little wooden piece.
Morgan: "It's only a model."
Arthur: "Yes it's a model of the real thing."
Sir Bedivere: "May I, Sire?"
Arthur, grinning with pride, hands it over to the knight of science. Sir Bedivere holds the model up to his face and inspects the unusual object. It's somewhat crescent-shaped, like a fat worm curled around, and has gigantic funnels poking out of one side. He scratches his head, ruffling his dark hair.
Sir Bedivere: "Are you certain this is a ship, Sire?"
Morgan: "Knowing my brother, it could be new design of table."
Arthur: "How was I supposed to know that a frisbee wasn't a table!? Besides, it worked out in the end, didn't it? Now my round table is famous!"
Morgan: "The frisbee table..."
Merlin: "How can you say you think your brother is... --"
Merlin blushes just saying the word.
Merlin: "--And yet you insult him and call him stupid!"
Morgan looks at Arthur then at Merlin.
Morgan: "Because he is hot and he is stupid. One doesn't preclude the other. I have to resist the urge the spank dat ass on a daily basis."
Arthur frowns while Sir Kay starts scribbling on his graph.
Arthur: "Why would you want to spank an ass?"
Sir Bedievere: "Sire, I believe she's referring to your derrière."
Morgan just shrugs.
Sir Bedivere: "Your ship, Sire? Can you tell us more about it?"
Sir Kay: "Yes. Please do. I'm running out of graph paper."
Arthur: "This doesn't sail on water. It sails through the sky!"
Everyone is silent for a long moment before Sir Lancelot sighs with concern;
Sir Lancelot: "I did hit him quite hard during our last jousting session..."
Sir Bedievere: "Ah. I should check for cranial damage."
Morgan: "You said Merlin was with you, Arthur? Did he tell you it was a sky ship?"
Arthur grins manically.
Arthur: "He sure did!"
Everyone is now silent again, but this time in shock and awe at the possibility of sailing through the skies.
Arthur: "Hey! You don't believe me but you'll believe Merlin!?"
Everyone but Morgan looks sheepish.
Morgan: "I told you a moment ago, you're an idiot."
Arthur snatches his model from Bedievere and wags it at everyone.
Arthur: "Idiot, am I!? I'm the one who's going to be cruising to the stars and conquering alien babes!"
Sir Lancelot piques up at this.
Sir Lancelot: "That does sound exciting. A truly worthy quest for a knight of my calibre!"
He cuts a dashing figure as he poses and stares off into the middle-distance. Nobody pays him any attention, however.
Merlin: "How does it work, do you think? Those funnels at the back, are they the flying mechanism?"
Sir Bedivere: "Presumably. But Sire, how large is this vessel? How many people can it contain?"
Arthur looks mischievously around the room.
Arthur: "It's about the size of England."
Sir Bedivere winces with incomprehension.
Sir Bedivere: "You mean it was under England, right?"
Arthur: "It was under England... and it's the size of England. A gigantic ship that I could fit the entire population into!"
They all stare at the model for a long while in contemplation of this monstrosity. Arthur holds it up to everyone as though it were the holy grail itself. Arthur's brown eyes seem to shine as he stares at his precious prize. His muddy blonde hair is loosely pushed back and with his free hand he strokes the fibres of his short beard. If there was one thing Arthur had learnt about getting to forty as a man, it was to grow a manly beard to hide those wrinkles.
Morgan: "And... what did you want me to do, exactly?"
Sir Kay: "Maybe I don't want to hear Arthur answer that."
Arthur look incredulously at his half-brother.
Arthur: "I'm a married man now!"
Sir Kay shrugs.
Sir Kay: "Once a deviant..."
Morgan glowers at Sir Kay.
Morgan: "And having sex with me is a deviance!?"
Sir Kay is one of the only knights of the round table that isn't afraid of Morganna le Fay, which either attests to his bravery or to his lack of wisdom.
Sir Kay: "When it's your own brother doing the shagging, yes. Yes it is."
Morgan looks like she might blast Kay into a thousand pieces but, suddenly, the glower evaporates and she just shrugs.
Morgan: "I can accept that. Deviance is just another word for extremely kinky."
Sir Lancelot stares at her longingly.
Sir Lancelot: "You are probably the greatest woman in all the land, Lady Morganna."
Morgan: "Of course I am. Shame my brother doesn't feel the same way."
Arthur: "Camelot, people. Remember? The sky ship?"
He turns to Morgan.
Arthur: "I need you to raise my spaceship."
Sir Kay: "I'm just going to throw the whole ink well over the graph for that one."
Morgan: "I can raise it instantly, brother."
Sir Kay: "And now I'm going to find a vat of ink and dump it in."
Merlin: "Morganna! Please! Show some dignity!!"
Merlin's face is burning luminous red with horror. Because she shaves her hair very close to her head, she looks like a ripe tomato.
Morgan: "You mean I should be a frigid idiot virgin like you, Lady Merlin? No thanks."
Arthur: "Enough of the sex!"
Morgan folds her arms.
Morgan: "Speak for yourself."
Arthur: "My ship!"
She looks down.
Arthur: "This one!"
Morgan: "What? What do you want me to do with that one? I can think of a hundred ways of raising the other one, but that thing I'm at a loss."
Sir Kay: "I should have used the entire table as my graph."
Arthur: "Merlin told me how you can help, Morgan!"
Merlin: "Not me. He means the other Merlin."
Morgan eyes Merlin.
Morgan: "Yeah. Because it's going to be something intelligent."
Merlin's lower lips pushes up and begins to wibble.
Sir Bedivere: "Merlin, don't get upset now. She's trying to upset you. Don't give her what she wants."
Morgan: "Sir Bedivere, man of reason and boredom."
Sir Bedivere just smiles and shakes his head, far too collected to rise to her bullying.
Arthur: "My ship!"
Arthur glares around the room and everyone for silence.
Arthur: "Merlin said the ship can use a sudden, immense charge of magic to turn on!"
Morgan smirks but before she could spout an innuendo Arthur interjects;
Arthur: "This spaceship, Morgan. This one here."
Merlin: "If it's just a jolt of magic, I could do that for you, your Majesty!"
Morgan: "Yeah, if he wants it to limp through the sky to an early demise."
Merlin pouts, her fists clenched.
Merlin: "I'm more powerful than you, you-- you--!"
Morgan: "What? What am I Merlin?"
Merlin's eyes rove downwards, searching for inspiration.
Morgan: "What? Were you going to say brother-shagger again?
Merlin sullenly nods her uselessness at the insult-game. Morgan laughs with her deep, patronising voice. She's not a tall woman, in fact she's shorter than Merlin, and yet she's always carried a huge presence in any room with her commanding air, superior-than-thou demeanour and powerful, sensual voice that brims with confidence and control.
Arthur: "Sorry Merlin. It's not actually magic from with either of you that's needed. It'll need... the power of Avalon."
Morgan snaps her attention to Arthur with sudden seriousness.
Morgan: "You don't mean..."
Morgan: "No! No way."
Arthur desperately waggles his model at her.
Arthur: "But spaceship!!"
Morgan: "But my magical *****ing island!"
Arthur: "But SPACESHIP!"
Merlin: "I think, Sire, you are asking a lot of your sister..."
Morgan points an aggressive finger at Merlin.
Morgan: "I don't need your help in this!"
Merlin: "But I--"
Morgan points her finger at Arthur, as she draws up to him.
Morgan: "No. I say no again. And no, no, NO!"
Morgan: "Unless you sleep with me again."
Sir Kay: "Dude. You're actually considering it..."
Arthur snaps out of his stare and frowns at his half-brother.
Arthur: "I am not! No, Morgan. No I can't. I love my wife. You need to move on and find a new, nice, husband. Like Lancelot! He likes you!"
Sir Lancelot looks aghast.
Sir Lancelot: "Lancelot du Lac... married!? Perish the thought, Arthur!"
Morgan folds her arms.
Morgan: "Whore yourself out to me or you don't get your stupid, little ship."
Sir Bedivere: "You recall it's the size of England, correct?"
Guinevere: "It's never going to happen, sister-in-law."
They all turn to see Queen Guinevere enter the room. She's tall and graceful with long, red hair that's been plaited into a thick side-plait that falls over her shoulder to rest against her bosom. She wears a delicate, though simple, dress of sky blue and a long, white cloak with thick fur to stave off the cold of the stone castle.
Sir Kay: "I think we've reached the pinnacle of awkward right about now."
Guinevere: "Nothing to feel awkward about, brother-in-law. Morganna cannot help how she feels. She's blameless for an affair long ago conceived. But surely you're above blackmail, my love?"
At Guinevere's address, Sir Lancelot's wide eyes rove from the beautiful Guinevere to the sensual Morgan and back again with glee.
Morgan: "I am not above it, no. Not if it gets me what I want."
Merlin: "It's fine. I can try to generate this magic for you, Sire. It may take a while, but I can stockpile enough to power this ship. I'm certain of it. I can seek more training and advice from my mentor--"
Morgan: "You couldn't power a wet fart!"
Merlin looks incredulous.
Merlin: "You're so vile, Morganna! And I shall power this! Because you, clearly, cannot!"
Morgan: "I have more magic in a single eyelash than you could achieve in your entire lifetime!"
Merlin: "And yet, you cannot do this but I can. So who has more power again?"
Morgan folds her arms again.
Morgan: "You can't goad me into this. Nice try."
Merlin: "Don't flatter yourself, Morganna. I am simply better and more talented than you. If there's a way, you know I shall find it."
Morgan now, for the first time, looks jealous with her rival. She breathes in angrily several times before throwing her arms down.
Morgan: "Fine! But if you're going to destroy my home for this proxy space-boat, then I'm going with you! I'll need a new home."
Morgan: "Don't try to stop me-- wait, what?"
Guinevere: "I was worried that your son would cause no end of trouble if left here unchecked. So when Arthur mentioned this mad plan, I saw a perfect solution to any impending inheritance row - give Mordred his own kingdom on some other--"
She wafts her hand.
Morgan looks dumbstruck.
Morgan: "You... you..."
Guinevere smiles sweetly.
Guinevere: "I'm a what, dear Morganna?"
Morgan: "Conniving, deceitful wretch! If I wasn't so impressed I'd set you on fire. I can't believe this was your plan all along! I-I-I am so frustrated I'm going to go and torture some kittens!"
She marches towards the door but Merlin shrieks after her.
Merlin: "DON'T! DON'T YOU DARE! VILE VILLAIN! I'LL-I'LL STOP YOU!!! THOSE INNOCENT KITTENS SHALL NOT BE HARMED!!!!!"
Arthur: "She isn't being serious, Merlin."
Morgan just tuts as she storms out of the room in search of kittens.
Guinevere: "Congratulations, my husband. You get your adventure. I admit, I'm looking forward to seeing the stars."
Merlin: "You're going too, my lady?"
Guinevere: "Of course!"
Merlin: "But what about your son?"
Guinevere: "I did want to bring him too but... Arthur says it would be better if he inherited the throne of England now. Help him to grow as a man."
Arthur: "It's already done. He'll be crowned the moment we're off. He's already been given free reign of Camelot in the north. I think it's about time he was given some responsibility."
In Camelot, Llacheu, the eldest son of Arthur and Guinevere, is prancing about castle Camelot drunkenly with his pants on his head.
In the morning he finds himself handcuffed to his bed with a traffic cone. He looks at the cone and blinks.
Llachau: "Wow... must have been an amazing night!"